This is an honest piece. All my pieces are honest, otherwise I would not write them, and this one I nearly did not write at all.
I lost my faith. I have since climbed back on, but more about that later.
Something has changed in me since I moved to France. Something essential. An unexpected side effect of living in a place where the world does not stick to me, or sticks less. Where I stare into the distance every day and get moved by the beauty of it. I have come home to myself so thoroughly here that I no longer need astrology or Human Design at all. No urge left to look for something in the moon and the planets, or for an explanation of my unwanted traits in some far corner of my design.
Sounds good, you might think. It is. I am literally and figuratively in the best place I have ever been.
Being good at something you no longer need
Charts and designs are still the tools I support my clients with every day. So a strange internal conflict appeared: being very good at something, seeing exactly how it works, and no longer needing it myself. How do I put what I do into the world when my message is essentially: you do not need it.
I shared this odd split with Florus, and with a few other people close to my heart. Every time the same answer: what you do brought you to where you are now, and what you do is of enormous value to other people. I listened to all of it, nodded along, and the splinter kept festering in my brain.
What brought me back
I live by an important rule. When I stay in my own moping too long and start taking myself too seriously, I do something.
The energy had to move again, and where did I find inspiration? By looking at the current themes in my own chart. I work with Human Design and with astrology, and this time it was the astrology that grabbed me by the collar. A painful confrontation with my dilemma, laid out neatly, and suddenly there was clarity.
The thing I thought I no longer needed brought me back to what it is about. Honestly, the joke was on me. I can laugh at myself out loud sometimes.
So I checked in again. In my chart, and through it, in myself.
We do not have to start over, because we have already started. We can choose again. I can choose again. What warms me up. Or leaves me cold. How I give meaning to my life, how and with whom I work.
Sometimes you have to look up in order to look inside.